Good morning, I was going to write about something else but I prefer following the natural direction of my thoughts when writing an article. That being said, todays’ blog is a little different.
I woke up this morning and had zero motivation. I wanted to stay under the warmth of my covers and not think or dream about ‘unpleasant’ things. The thought ‘why am I getting up, what am I even doing?’ was there to greet me. I got up anyway because I have a class soon and my alarm had been snoozed twice. I have to be responsible, and that means being sharp for psychology. We’re either covering paraphillic disorders or eating disorders. I’m praying for the former because I already feel on edge today and the day has just begun! I don’t want to be majorly triggered…but I have to do what I have to do. But don’t you hate it when everything feels wrong and you’ve only been awake for 10 minutes? (For me it’s sometimes like a wave of powerlessness and a fear of something bad happening. Sometimes it’s “who the hell do I think I am? I know nothing! What’s wrong with me!”) I find that the way I get out of bed really indicates the nature of my day. Things can change of course, and they must…but what do we do about it? Well, that’s what I’m going to be doing. I’m going to pep myself up in front of you and maybe that can somehow help.
First of all, stop Karina. You’re overloading your mind with questions and feelings that aren’t going to help. And of course you’re going to get up, what else are you going to do? The good things won’t come to me if you stay in bed. You have to stop trying to forcibly shape your day into something that fits perfectly into the big-picture vision, which in itself is not defined! The day is an experience to be felt, not just the full rotation on a clock.
It’s cloudy and grey, with a bit of snow falling upon the accumulation of yesterday. I’m so sarcastically enthused, but there we go. Problem number 1: I’m allowing the environment to influence my attitude, and right now that’s happening in a negative direction. Admittedly, my work is inside today. Goodness knows I have enough to do! Therefore why should the weather make me feel down? I’m currently reminding myself that it has no impact on my work, and nor should it have an impact on my motivation. Yes I’m sensitive to lighting and dreariness doesn’t help, but that can’t stand in my way. If we waited for perfect days, nothing would get done would it?
Next up is that I’m feeling scared and me wanting to stay under the covers where it felt safer is a good indication that I’m right. I’m symbolically shielding myself from anxiety. Anxiety about what? Well…school for one. It’s a big one. I’m terrified of my oral presentation to the point where I’m scared of practising it and have been avoiding it. Self-defeatest much? I will make it my goal to practice every day though because that’s the only way to truly reduce my anxiety. Preparation gives me control, and control appeases my mind. Note that this isn’t an unhealthy desire for control, this is actually the correct and productive use of it. I also have my statistics final to prep for and have to do my statistical research project which is incredibly intimidating. The two together make up 50% of my grade which makes me super insecure because with only 3 weeks left of school I still have the potential to fail the class or end with a poor grade. However instead of expending my energy through worrying, this should be a motivator to keep pushing and doing my best until the last exam is done. I can’t avoid these things, I must do what it takes to achieve the results that I need. But I’m also already worried about next semester, which isn’t smart because I should be focussing on completing this one. It’s just difficult, because even though school is challenging, I’m worried about not having school. I don’t want a lack of structure during the winter holidays to pull me down. And then when the break is over it’ll be my third time attempting a winter semester. I haven’t completed one of those yet even though I’m in my second year of CEGEP. I’ve always ended up in the hospital and very bad things have happened. I have to break this association but in the mean time I should do my best to only think about it when it comes time, not fret a month and a half in advance. In other words I have to remember that looking at more distant hurdles doesn’t help me get over the one I’m currently presented with. This will be life, so I might as well get used to it now.
There are bugs crawling around in my brain. They’re causing so much doubt, uncertainty, confusion…I question too much right now and looking at my current inward mental battles as a whole is more than intimidating. I’ve been questioning my persona and my thinking patterns from childhood to present. I’m finding causations everywhere all at once and half are probably just a result of overthinking. I’m questioning my sanity more than usual and there are some personal truths, or what I think are truths, that are tormenting me. I don’t mean to sound all dramatic, I’m just going through things that I wish I could explain but can’t. As much as I try, some things I just can’t explain with words. My point is that these bugs are constantly pushing to get prime time in my conscious brain. They crawl into my head and linger just beneath the surface of whatever thought is keeping me moving and focussed. If the thought slips or slows, the bugs crawl in. Did that make any sense? I suppose all I can do at the moment is occupy myself with school and do things that I enjoy and distract me. I will get to the problem…but succeeding right now is my priority. When those thoughts creep in I’ll do my best to remember that they aren’t bad in themselves, they can only harm me if I let them direct my emotional reactions.
Fun With Clay
Speaking of positive distractions and things that promote self-care, I enjoy making clay projects. It really helps me because it’s tactile and therefore gets me out of my head. Sometimes the best solution to thinking too much and getting all top-heavy is to change course and do something physical. It can be anything…for me things like clay, archery and dancing really tend to make me feel better. The trick is to do it even if you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t want to do anything at all! Stop questioning the purpose, start doing it.
Here are my last 2 projects, I hope you find meaning in them.
If you remember my article Refuse Hopelessness, maybe you recall my ‘well of hope’. I decided to make it out of clay as a reminder to myself and I thought it would be nice to share it with you.
My next project is a sort of abstract statue. The tube is an unfurling leaf, representing rebirth and self-improvement. To me it conveys all seasons and the constant possibility of change and growth. The energy doesn’t stop, it merely transforms. The same can be said of the ring, which is called a Mobius strip. This is a special shape because all sides / surface area can be traced with a pencil without ever taking it off the paper. (Or clay apparently.) My desired meaning with the strip is again that nothing is finite and we are always undergoing transformation. Our course is not stuck and our pain is not permanent. We’ll go through the twists and turns but the good can be found in anybody’s strip if they know how to twist it into shape! Let’s look at all the sides…or, are there no sides at all?
It’s now evening, and I must say that my day was productive and good. I had decent focus and going for two walks outside helped me think more clearly. It also helped the waves of anxiety I experienced today. I was on edge but I directed my energy pretty well, all in all. In a little while my fiancé is going to pop by after work and I’m going to try to appreciate it more. Sometimes taking special note of warmth, smell and textures can bring home a greater sense of contentment. I suppose just as the sky began grey but actually turned blue, I can say the same about my mood.
Take care everyone, and I’ll be back soon!