Hi everyone! It’s amazing how good something simple can make you feel when it comes as a surprise. That happened to me this morning after breakfast when I was brought down for a CAT scan. (My big outing of the day!) I knew we’d be passing by the cafeteria so I asked my accompanying nurse if I could quickly buy a coffee. She thankfully said yes so it was really nice to write and draw in the solarium with a real caffeinated coffee! I miss coffee and cigarettes and going outside but I got one of the three and a change of scenery at least. What I miss the most of course is Mia. It’s so strange to be without her. It’s the third day now and it feels so much longer than that.
Idea For Living in the Moment
My fiancé gave me the sound advice of focussing on what I CAN do rather than what I CANNOT. It seems trivial and obvious but speaking personally, I find it quite difficult to practice. He said this to me while I was despairing over being stuck in here unable to do so many things. He kindly reminded me to think of what IS possible; what I can do and work on within myself, which is the whole point of being here, right? The problem is that I don’t fully know what to do to get better and I really wish I did. I feel pretty aimless and decorating my room isn’t real life. I’ve been considering resubscribing to Luminosity which is a brain training app that I love. I think it would help me feel sharp.
So since I’ve been ‘sentenced’ to 30 days and was even served the legal documents, I figure I should use my time. A big thing I want to reestablish is a routine. Routines have always helped me so it’s time to rebuild and reinforce good habits. Even if my activities seem simple to ‘normal’ people, they’ll be big enough for me and serve as a good step forwards.
Routine:
Brush my teeth twice a day
Make my bed in the morning
Keep my room and belongings organized
Do some stretching and yoga every day
Do a 10 minute minimum chakra meditation
Shower every two days
What I hope to accomplish during my stay:
Continue learning about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy online
Apply new strategies and coping tools
Find a new therapist before I leave here since I’m losing mine after next session
Form productive habits
Make meditation a regular practice
Accept and release the past, specifically the recent past
Earn privileges by being responsible and trustworthy
Cancel my two classes
Obtain my unemployment insurance/sick leave
Work on my third book
Blog more frequently
Decorate my room here to brighten it up
I could make this list way longer but that wouldn’t be a great idea. I’ll just end up back where I started if I bite off more than I can chew. I really want to build up more solidly this time so that my stability is sustainable.
Button Pushing:
I’ve been betrayed by two people in a six month period and that’s taken it’s toll on my confidence and trust. After all, I feel like it’s my fault for not having caught on sooner; my fault for being so vulnerable and exposed. It seems like these people knew exactly which buttons to push and played me like a fiddle. An important goal of mine now is to hide away my buttons so that I’m the only one who can access them. I’m still trying to figure out what this looks like but here’s what I’ve got so far:
Higher self worth = lower sensitivity
Make others earn my trust
Develop a confidence unrelated to how others perceive me
Day 5
Today was a pretty big day! I kept busy until my parents came to visit me. They brought me snacks and stuff which was super kind! Then I got to see my psychiatrist which I was both excited and anxious about. I told him that I wasn’t going to contest being sectioned and that I realize I need this time to get stable again. Due to this, he said he would lift the involuntary holding as long as I agreed to stay. If I’m still at risk and decide to leave, he’ll appeal to the court again. The huge perk of this is that I can earn privileges and I just did… I can now go out with my parents or Aaron five times a day for 30 minutes. This is such amazing news and we did get to go out which felt wonderful. I also asked my psychiatrist for the sick leave prescription I need and sent it to my boss. Another thing taken care of right?
Meditation
I have a really difficult time with meditation since my head moves so quickly. Still, it’s something I want to get into and I’ve been succeeding these past 3 days. I’d like to make a habit of doing it every day. My next blog will be about what I’m learning.
Day 6
Today was a good day despite the way it started. I was tired and down with next to zero motivation. I felt better though as time went on and I did my tasks as planned. I also had a good conversation with my nurse about the goals I’m setting for this stay.
Then my Dad visited me with Mia and we spent a total of 2 and a half hours outside in the sun. I was incredibly happy to see my little Muffin and talk with my Dad in the fresh air.
I’d like to end this blog with some psych ward tips:
• Don’t bring clothes with drawstrings
• Your charging cables will be taken away so it’s best to label them with your name.
• Stay calm and try not to get angry or violent. It will only prolong your stay. Also the more you prove your trustworthiness the faster you’ll earn privileges like going outside.
• Anything metal or glass will probably be taken away so don’t bother bringing those things.
• Do bring things that will help the time go faster: Things to colour with, books, headphones/ earpods (without a cable), etc.
• You’re there to feel better and it’s not a fashion show. Bring comfortable and loose clothing.
• Your shoelaces will have to be removed so bring a pair that can handle that or ideally don’t have laces to begin with.
• Make good connections with the staff because this greatly determines the quality of your stay.
• Even if you’re really bored and sad, try not to stay in bed / in your room all day. It won’t do your sanity any favours, trust me. Give yourself projects and obviously try to work on the reason you’re in a ward to begin with.
That’s all for now! Have a wonderful weekend … I should be back soon!
Do you have any psych ward tips to share with us?
I’m not going to make it.
What do you mean Sam?