My Take

Dear Life, Thanks.

Guess from where you’ll be hearing from me for the foreseeable future. Any takers? The Douglas Mental Health Institute. Isn’t that hilarious? A place I swore I’d never return. I can’t believe this is happening. The day before yesterday I was released from the Crisis Centre and met my therapist at school. We had a very difficult session. I left feeling thoroughly depressed. even though I’d previously been happy. There were triggers and we dove deeper. Then I got home and saw that my therapist wanted to meet again the next day.

So I went yesterday to meet her in person and it was highly recommended that I go to the hospital. I didn’t want a medical hospital so the only other place would be the Douglas. The Crisis Centre is for short stays only and I’m out of zone. I ended up agreeing because she’ll be on vacation for 2 weeks and I’ve been feeling particularly impulsive and reckless. Lots of bad thoughts. Instead of going right away though, I wanted to come home and get Mia’s thing’s as well as my own. I also visited Aaron to talk in person about the end of the romantic part of our relationship. It had gone badly the day before but we made peace last night so it went much better. I love him with all my heart and want to remain close friends with him – beyond that, we’re family. I feel so bad about what’s happened but a boyfriend – girlfriend relationship hasn’t been working for us anymore. I want him to be happy and I feel so guilty for hurting him. The fact remains however that I met someone while at the centre and we’ve been getting closer. So there’s all this stuff and I wanted to connect with him in person before I had to go to the Douglas.

So this morning I woke up and got Mia’s things ready as well as my own. We drove down and I met this new person I’ve been seeing outside of the Douglas Emergency building. He had to go for an appointment of his own but I’m so grateful he was here. The security had a bit of trouble with Mia… I’m not sure what will happen. If Mia can’t come, I’m not staying. No way! So now Mia and I saw the nurse (where Meaghan’s explanatory document was very helpful) and I passed through Inscription. The last step if I’m not mistaken is to meet with a doctor.

So meeting the psychiatrist was horrible. He was a cold, soulless person. He was also only going to put me in emergency for a few days where I wouldn’t be able to go outside whatsoever. Can you imagine Mia and my sanity (or should I say lack thereof?) No smoking, stuck in the fishbowl without access to the outdoors? Surrounded by mostly callous nurses and a psychiatrist who ignored and minimized a therapists’ letter that objectively screamed ‘danger’. He had no intention of transferring me to CPC 2 where at least it’s more open, you can earn privileges to go outside and I would’ve had a chance to be safe while meds were experimented with.

I decided to leave at that point, and ironically felt reckless and impulsive to the point of rather insistent suicidal thoughts. I ate a Greek salad with Mia though and called home once I’d calmed down more. We decided on asking my wonderful Godparents if I could stay the night and they warmly recieved Muffin and I. I’m so grateful to them! I had a good, deep sleep that was really needed. Now I’m waiting for my worker at the Crisis Centre to call me back to see what we can do. I’m practically begging to stay again.

So there’s my update: I’m sorry that everything is so self- absorbed, especially as of late.

If you’ve been feeling misunderstood and minimized by healthcare practitioners I’d love to hear your stories!

I think it’s natural that over time healthcare practitioners may become desensitized and less human about their bedside manner after all that they’ve seen but it’s truly part of the job. If they didn’t go into it to HELP people and support them it begs the question as to their motivations. This psychiatrist was

1. Disrespectful regarding my right to be served in my language of preference despite my willingness to switch to French. The attitude remained. I don’t know if it has something to do with the French language Bill that just passed.

2. Asked impertinent questions and responded to my answers with a total lack of understanding.

3. Disregarded my concerns including refusing to answer my question as to why I would not be admitted to the CPC.

4. Missed point after point to a degree that started to appear intentional. (Like when he said the Douglas had become a non-smoking institution and I said it was very misleading for there to be designated ashtrays and smoking zones. His response was that he would now petition to have them removed.) Another example was him asking some of my stressors and I mentioned one was financial. He asked how I could be financially stressed if I have a job. Not everyone is paid the salary of a psychiatrist, thanks for the snobbery. It’s not like most people with financial difficulties do have jobs right? No…of course not.

Well, you get the idea. Thanks for listening to my rant!

4 thoughts on “Dear Life, Thanks.”

  1. After reading your post I think you have every reason to rant. I have had counselors in the past that had the same attitude as your doctor. So you go ahead and rant all you want, I understand and I will listen 😁. Hope your day gets better. 😁

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