How’s life everyone? I’m here at the centre trying to relax. It’s a new concept-doing nothing and feeling happy about it. I haven’t done absolutely nothing of course, that would be impossible for me. I woke up feeling kind of down but I slept well. Then I had breakfast and my first meeting with the Assistance dog trainer. She sent me some documents to get started on which is pretty cool. I have some reading to do before a test next session. After that I took a nap which is rare for me but it did a lot of good. Sometimes you don’t realize how tired you are until you stop moving. Mia is being really cute right now lying down on the windowsill and observing the world. We’re in the living room right now. After my nap I had to take care of getting a dispill from the nearby pharmacy. That’s done now and I changed my bandages. Mia and I have been going outside and we rollerbladed. Well, I did most of the rollerblading. So far Mia and I aren’t having problems going everywhere together. In fact people have been kind and curious. I’m quite happy.
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It’s going to be dinner soon. I’m pretty hungry actually; lunch feels a long time ago. It’s surprising because I didn’t do that much today. I’d like to take a shower but I don’t know if it’s a good idea because of my arm. It’ll probably hurt like hell and I don’t want it to bleed.
Today I walked behind some college students who were talking and laughing. It gave me a pang of jealousy to be honest. I felt a world apart. I need to stop comparing myself though. That brings me to my session today.
I explained the multitude of things I worry about all the time that make me feel like I’m losing control. I also mentioned the way things can seem pointless and too difficult. It’s frustrating how my bad voice ignores all the good things in my life. One of our objectives while I’m here is to have the good voice come up with a counter to what the bad voice says.
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I had dinner which was a yummy asian noodle stir-fry with chicken. Then I spoke with my parents which was nice and then to Aaron. That made me sad. I feel bad that he feels sad and angry and doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. I don’t know how to help him. Then I took a shower which really hurt (as expected) and it triggered me. I wanted to cut deeper. I was responsible though and talked to my worker instead about how I was feeling. We decided I’d try out countering the negative thoughts in my writing tonight and I figured I’d share it with you. Who knows, it might be helpful and give you an idea. Here goes some of them:
I’m hurting the people I love and I’m going to ruin all of my relationships.
Um. I really feel that way. I suppose I shouldn’t presume the worst case scenario. If I take care of myself that should help them too because they won’t be so worried. If it’s a causal relationship I should focus on them and what it will do if I hurt myself.
Aaron said he doesn’t know how much more he can take. That’s understandable and I haven’t been a very good girlfriend. Who would willingly want to be with me? Someone this impulsive and unstable? Who ends up in a hospital, psych ward or crisis centre twice a year?
I guess I’m trying to predict the future again and I can’t be entirely bad right? I’ve tried to be supportive. I’ve tried to meet some of his needs even when they conflict with mine. That has to mean I’m trying… right? Which would be a positive thing. I don’t know, it really feels not good enough. How am I going to have a successful future if it keeps going like this? I feel really lost and confused. I can’t seem to counter this one very well.
I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, I feel trapped into current circumstances and I don’t know if continuing school has a point or not. But if I don’t get a degree and strike out with my personal projects…what will be left? How will I make ends meet?
I guess no one is certain about their future and I’m no different. If I keep trying and work hard maybe things will fall into place piece by piece. I can’t jump any steps and expect too much from myself.
I’m overwhelmed and tired. Sometimes life just feels too complicated I don’t even have it bad but head is its own war zone. My grades are also dropping, meaning that I’m doing worse than ever. What’s wrong with my brain? Why can’t I be good enough?
Maybe I need to prioritize. I’ve been trying to make too many things my number one priority and that just doesn’t work. school has been falling as a priority so I need to see it as understandable that my 90’s fell. Why does it feel so unacceptable though?
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I’m waiting in the hospital right now which really sucks because I would’ve been at the Centre relaxing and speaking with a patient friend of mine that I really relate with. We cooked a good brunch together and then talked for a long time. The reason I’m here and not back there is because my kind therapist who I’m trying not to be angry at (because that would be silly), asked my permission this morning to speak with my workers at the Centre. I agreed. Little did I know that I would be called into a meeting and asked to show them my cut. My therapist must have told them it was bad since I was more complete with her in my explanation. She probably said I didn’t want to go to the hospital. So when they saw it they decided I had to go get stitches and maybe antibiotics. So after an anxiety smoke I left and came here. I waited an hour just to get through triage and talk to someone. Thankfully after that they got the memo from the Centre saying I was coming.
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So now I’m in a chair waiting to be bandaged apparently which is ridiculously insulting and what I expected since it’s too late for stitches. I can bandage myself! I HAVE been for years! This is POINTLESS! I’m so frustrated and I really have to pee.
So I’m back… still in the ER. I lost my shit before. Actually I almost lost it. I started crying and a nurse brought me to an exam room. Despite the fact that I was crying she wasn’t understanding at all. She left and while I was alone in that room it took Mia calming me with licks to not do something stupid. Thankfully the psychiatric nurse is very kind and brought me food just a short while ago. When I thought I might be out of the woods the two doctors who saw me said they’d need to consult with the plastic surgeon before doing anything. I’ve been waiting since then, hearing absolutely nothing about what’s happening. I can’t even express how badly I want to smoke. This sucks big time. Waiting with no idea how long, what’s going on, or if I’ll get to go back to the Centre tonight. I lost a whole day that could’ve been recuperative!
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Oh my goodness. Mia and I are back at the Centre. What a day! It took a while longer after I wrote last for the doctor to come back with the solution. They put in just a couple of stitches leaving the cut open for drainage and stuff. I was also prescribed antibiotics and it took another hour before I was bandaged. I guess it was a really busy day for them. If it hadn’t been for the extremely kind psychiatric nurse I wouldn’t have had anything to eat so I’m very grateful to her. She made sure I was ok while my regular nurse seemed to be deliberately taking a long time and ignoring me.
She’s the one who had been leaving me in the dark despite seeing me cry. She asked me why I was crying and I explained how hard it was to be back in the same place as where I was taken after attempting suicide. I said I couldn’t wait to leave because it hurt. All she said was imagine how it is for us. Like…why? I get they’re busy! That’s not even what I was saying or meant, which I told her. So the reason I know she was deliberately taking her sweet time is because after waiting almost an hour with my cut half stitched and exposed, I really had to go to the bathroom. I was on my way and she was chatting with another nurse doing nothing. She stopped me and asked where I was going. I told her and she told me not to go anywhere because she had to come bandage me. I said I’d been left not knowing when and I really had to go so basically too bad. I didn’t say the last part. She was still standing around when I walked back and it was another 20 minutes before I was bandaged. Funny enough it was a different nurse who did it which really leads me to believe that she had a personal problem with me and wanted me to wait. I don’t get it. I completely understand busyness but I don’t understand lack of empathy for someone clearly in pain, nor being left in the dark. It’s just not right especially when someone’s in distress. I’m tired of being treated differently in hospitals when my pain is mental. It’s like what? Would you only take me seriously when I’m on a ventilator again? Sorry. I’m getting frustrated so I’m lashing out. Anyway. What made me madder was this really Anglo doctor who treated an elderly Indian (from India!) couple like sh*t. I couldn’t believe how rude she was with them and it contributed to my anger at the whole situation. Thankfully not everyone was so disrespectful.
Well, I think I’m going to call it a night since Mia and I can finally go to bed. I’m incredibly tired. Goodnight and bye for now. I hope your experiences in the healthcare system aren’t quite so yucky. Do you have any stories? We’d love to hear them!