I’m sitting at a breakfast/lunch place with Mia in downtown Montreal because only there could I find an open print shop for her organization card that came in. I’m super happy! I wanted to get it firmly plastified for safe keeping in my wallet. Then I got hungry which is why the Muff and I are here. It looks like I’ll be leaving the Centre soon with a progressive departure. I’m worried but I also have to get back to work and return to reality.
Today I have a short story for you that I wrote; I think it imparts an interesting lesson that I’m going through right now.
Let’s say there’s a store you always shop at and you really want to get apples. The store sells oranges, bananas, berries, even pineapple which you don’t like, but doesn’t sell apples. You start thinking, how can they not have apples? Everyone should have apples! I really need those apples! Let’s say you’re making an apple pie so now you’re particularly screwed and getting annoyed. You want to yell at the manager and ask why they’re not selling apples. Are the apples going to magically appear? Is the store going to get them in stock for you? Maybe. But what if they can’t? What if, to stretch the imagination, they don’t know what apples are? Or what if they don’t know you need apples because you haven’t asked for them? So each time you go to them you leave resentful about those missing apples.
Just across the street there’s market which deals strictly with apples. They carry every sort imaginable and even have the perfect recipe for a homemade apple pie.
What do you do? Do you continue visiting the same store, or do you check out your options? Let’s say you cross the street one day and you find the perfect apples. Not only that, you get the best recipe for apple pie. The recipe calls for some cinnamon and you try to buy some. They don’t carry cinnamon! Come on…it can’t be this hard to make an apple pie?! But then you remember that the first store had cinnamon, so you go back. You finally have all the ingredients for your apple pie and you know where to get each one for next time.
What’s the Moral of the Story?
Not everyone will be equipped for our needs/wants/expectations. We might expect or really want a person to understand something for example but they just might not be able to given their own experiences. So let’s say you expect someone you love to demonstrate compassion towards you for a mistake that you’ve made but instead you’re presented with anger. It’s pretty much the opposite of what you were hoping for, right? You might be angry, offended or hurt. That person however is reacting within the context of their own perspective. You can hope for change or be as angry as you want but its unlikely to change things. And who is to say which person is right? life is complex. We can try to share our view and emotions but we can’t force change. Accepting that is perhaps the healthiest option. The compassion you seek might be found elsewhere and its encouraged to meet your emotional needs. Bear in mind that when it comes to the next situation the first person might be the perfect one to meet your needs.. In other words it would be a shame to write – off a person based on one or a few situations. Finding who is best equipped in the moment to meet your needs is an important conclusion.
Update on Mia
I had my second CASE appointment yesterday for Mia’s assistance dog certification. There was a mini quiz to pass the module and then we talked about Mia’s progress. The wonderful news is that Mia is so advanced from coming everywhere with me that we might be close to the final exam! We’ll be at the stage where we’re just doing fine tuning of correcting last unwanted behaviours/adding a few new things. I’m so happy. All I need to do is take videos of Mia in as many situations as possible for our trainer to evaluate her level.
The other thing I’m super happy about is that I explained what happened with Mias’ illegal refusal at the Douglas. Everything is in our favour and I’ll have their lawyer on mu side to complain and hopefully rectify this. I need compensation of some kind. The system needs to change. I’m actually still furious.
You know how I fell and hurt my neck but was told to take Tylenol? Yeah that’s not working. I’ve been in so much pain and I foolishly roller bladed once it felt a bit better. My neck seized up and was in tremendous pain. I can’t fully move it. The problem with having a psych file and presenting for pain is they don’t want to prescribe things that actually work. I was told to take Tylenol for a bad whiplash that makes me seriously have trouble sleeping. So my boyfriend and I went to another hospital and waited a long time before finally being prescribed a real painkiller and an anti-inflammatory.
What do you get when you cross someone mentally unstable and impulsive with relationship problems and a prescription for opioids? Yes. You get another overdose. I really thought the last attempt was it for good and yet just a couple of days ago it happened again.
Aaron and I were texting about our problems and breaking up when I was overcome with guilt and felt like the worst human alive. I felt mean and regretted ever bad thing I’ve ever put him through I closing of course this latest breakup. My boyfriend and I were out and had eaten an early dinner when Aaron and I started talking. Hindsight being 20/20, it wasn’t a good time for that kind of discussion.
Anyway, within 30 seconds of thinking I deserved pain and to die, I took the pills. Fun fact about opioids; you don’t need to down 150 for them to kill you. I kept silent about it for about 20 minutes until effects started to come on. My speech was slurred and it was difficult to think. I was getting dizzy and phenomenally tired. Aaron knows me very well and after a texted comment that I now see was very suicidal sounding, he assumed I had done something. I admitted to it, and he urged me to go to the hospital and tell my parents and boyfriend. I didn’t want to, but after a few more minutes I did.
My boyfriend drove very fast to the hospital in my car but when we got in (him half carrying me), the security people and initial nurse were stupid and handed us a number while telling him to be patient. This is while I could barely walk and could stop breathing from opioids at any moment. Makes sense right? He was mad. I was unfortunately fine with it taking longer though it wasn’t by much; we were let in after 2 minutes and I was forced to drink charcoal. It was that or get it tubed into my stomach. I didn’t want to drink it honestly.
They kept me overnight monitoring my vitals. It was a crappy night of fatigue but not really sleeping, chest spasms, difficultly breathing and dizziness. Thank goodness the psychiatrist saw me the next morning at 11 and allowed me to leave. He was kind, open and truly listened to me which I’m very grateful for. I even got a new prescription for the painkillers but dispensed each day so I don’t have enough on hand to kill myself. It was impulsive though and not intentional. Well, of course it was intentional, but only in the 30 second blind-spot my mind went through.
This happened Wednesday evening and now we’re Sunday. It took until this morning for the ridiculous fatigue and dizziness to go away. I was sleeping almost all day and had zero energy. The incident really took its toll, mentally and physically. The Centre decided to let me stay until Monday because of what happened and I’m lucky they didn’t want to just kick me out. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’m scared and excited and the same time. I miss my family and I miss work but I’m also anxious about getting back into everything. It’s time though.
How are you? How was your week?