I’ve been having some trouble writing because I haven’t felt very good, so I’m sorry for the delay.
I realized that I was having more trouble and made the decision to not work and instead build energy for the start of school with the time I have left. I was at work one day and the next… I was off the schedule. That day was very difficult for me because I was energetically anxious / a little paranoid but confused and empty at the same time. I found myself walking in a circle in the back store with no idea where to begin. I’m going to miss working with my friendly coworkers and I did really like the job. I’m reminding myself at least that next summer might be a perfect time to go back. I hope I wasn’t being a quitter … I just was trying to be smart because I’m so anxious about this semester. I’m worried because it’s the winter one, and each one I’ve started has ended up with me in the hospital and a medical incomplete that negated my painful efforts. I’m desperate to not let that happen again which means I have to be extremely careful. The thing is, it’s not the first time I try to be super careful and it all goes to Hell anyway. My dad is right though…I have a negative association that needs to be broken and succeeding at this semester would really do the trick by proving to myself that I CAN do it.
Today is also my course registration which I pray works in my favour, and then I have a call with my psychiatrist. Unfortunately he and I don’t have the best fit and communication is a bit of a struggle since I have difficulty expressing my emotions in French and he doesn’t understand what I say in English very well. This appointment is super important though so I’m not taking any chances…I wrote what I want to say in English and then took the time to get it perfect in French. This way I’ll be able to read what I wrote and I think it should help. Never be afraid to come up with whatever way works best for you to communicate your feelings.
I’m going through a strange period right now…my moods are more unstable than usual and are getting more intense. Instead of periods that are clearly either depressive or hypomanic they’re occurring at the same time which is somehow even MORE confusing and troubling. And while I feel that, my thoughts haven’t stopped either…it’s a lot of fun right now and school is days away. I could write a lot more about how I’m feeling and the scary impulses I’ve been getting, but I don’t want to go there. Today I want to write something short that’s pertinent to my situation and hopefully yours as well.
There is no shortage of areas to look at in life, both in the big picture and in our own comparatively small lives. And when there’s a huge dichotomy in emotions, situations, events, etc., I think perspective is an enormous component that regulates the way in which we interpret and live through them. This brings me to foreground and background. If I seem vague with my topic and explanations today, that’s because I’m trying to figure them out for myself too and I’m finding this very difficult!
The thing about foreground and background is that what is in the foreground can be moved to the background and vice versa. In this case I’m talking about human choice: volition. We have to power to choose what is and remains in prominence as well as what lies behind. We can focus on a conversation while mentally muting the background noise of a TV for example. The thing is, I can’t. And this is related to my struggles with foreground and background. I feel overloaded with stimuli and that builds anxiety and paralysis in myself. Just as with sound, my foreground and background aren’t properly regulated. The ideal is to choose what we want to dwell upon; after all, that tends to shape our reality. However sometimes unwanted things become fixed to the foreground of our minds, leaving us blind to the background, AKA, the bigger picture. Keeping our mental canvas free and flowing involves knowing how to shift between perspectives and therefore attitudes. For example I can choose to focus on the past failures I’ve had during winter semesters, or, I can focus on the one I successfully completed and use that energy to push forward into a new one. If this was easy I wouldn’t be so emotional and confused…which is why today I do not really bring forth answers or solutions but rather questions. What does it take to shift from an extra loud, harmful component to one that is healthy, especially considering that these aspects can be quieter? Once again, still waters run deep. Perhaps if there’s any insight today, it comes from that phrase. Only once we can maintain a calm, inner stillness can we see the truth reflected back to us from the still pond. Drop a pebble and that clarity ripples away – literally.
Art Tells the Whole Story…
I wish I could continue…but I’ve honestly exhausted my mental energy and focus. Instead, I’ll leave you with this optical illusion I found online that speaks a great deal of meaning to me. Instead of focussing on the obviously present, look at what is not so evident. Perhaps even what isn’t there.
ANSWER (Written backwards): The image spells out EFIL.
This is a complex topic that I encourage us all to give serious thought to. I hope to come back to it with fresh thoughts.