Mood Swings and Dual Desire

Hi everyone, it’s Friday! I love Fridays…I also find that the weeks are flying by. Anyone else? When you’re really busy it seems like the days blur and before you know it another week has passed. It’s bringing us closer to spring though and I love that feeling of renewal. I can hear the bird calls again, which to me has always been a lovely and promising sound. This is the end of the fifth week of school by the way which is honestly shocking. I would be so grateful for this semester to be a success and an r-score booster. I received a letter yesterday by the way, saying that I’m on the Dean’s List for Fall 2020. It used to be called the Honour Roll and it means an average of over 80%. I was happy to receive it…I never say no to a little boost of confidence!

I don’t have class on Thursdays which gave me the opportunity yesterday to do some artwork for longer than a quick break between other tasks. It gave me a nice bit of personal time and emphasized the importance of self-care. It calmed my mind and I got some personal writing in as well. So today I want to share what I did yesterday but I just want to say that the second image is potentially triggering as it concerns self-harm. I debated posting it but felt that it would be dishonest to hold back a personal feeling that’s more importantly a reality for many others. If it’s not a good time for you then feel free to leave the article, I truly empathize and don’t want to make things more difficult. That said, though art can be painful it is this exact trait of veritable expression that provokes potentially fruitful contemplation.

Mood Swings

I had the urge to draw my sense of split emotion and its variability. I’ve written before of the unstable nature of my mind that can change course mid-flight creating a highly discomforting unpredictability. I really feel that this reflects those feelings and maybe you can relate to it. I chose to represent my emotions of sadness/depression, anxiety, elation, pain, anger, emptiness and, one that I could not leave out; dark humour/sarcasm/cynicism. Like it or not, it’s definitely a facet of my consciousness! The die represents the feeling of chance ruling my emotions rather than a healthy sense of control – a work in progress but I’m getting there.

Dual Desire (Trigger Warning)

As a way to release some of my pent up confusion regarding self-harm and my current struggle with it, I decided to draw this. It’s not a pretty picture, but highly reflective of my inner state. There is a side of me that really wants to stop and that sees my behaviour for what it is. It’s the side that tries to stay my hand but often fights a losing battle. On the other hand there’s this urge, this burning desire to hurt myself when pressured by various emotions. It’s also a side that tells me I deserve it as punishment, while the other half asks if I will ever reach a point of having hurt myself enough to be redeemed. I won’t go further into this…

The positive in this otherwise disturbing image is the notion of strengthening the rational side each time the urge is successfully redirected into a positive coping strategy.

For the sake of clarification, the centre is a reflection of the feeling of being torn by two opposing forces, and the swirling pattern represents the perceived release of toxicity.

Ending on a Happy Note

Well that was depressing. Certainly no way to end a week and begin a weekend, so here are some dogs I drew! I saw the sketches online and did my best to draw some.