I urge you to keep going against all odds – no matter how hopeless you may feel. I learned something important for myself that transcends traditional definition; one can say that they feel hopeless, but one should never say that they have no hope. Feeling hopeless can mean that you have less hope than you used to feel, but being void of hope implies that hope does not ‘spring eternal’.
I was angry at that quote too; that “hope springs eternal”. What do they know, right? We’re the ones in the deep end struggling to breathe despite the weight that drags us under. It’s indescribable…believe me I know. I’ve tried and I still do. Writing is a part of what keeps me alive and yet it will always fall short. My new belief though is that hope may not be “eternal in our breast”, as the saying goes, but perhaps the well of hope itself will never run dry. Perhaps it is forever open to us all to drink from.
Drink from it…please…and share it with others. You never know what will happen just around the corner. Everyone says this and I often discounted it, but no longer. I met Piko, one of the miracles of my life, after my first serious suicide attempt. I got engaged to my incredible boyfriend right in the middle of starving myself and self-harming. We found Mia on the side of the road after being hospitalized for my anorexia and then the intubation after my major OD. My point is that you never know what will happen next, but if you do something irreversible, you’ll never find out. I would have missed all that and way more. I would have missed the laughs that eventually came back, the hugs, the pride of publishing my book which now tells me…Hey. I survived. Now that feeling, it’s worth waiting for. No, it’s worth working towards!
Now I know you’re probably thinking something along the lines of “maybe others will find that ‘out of sight’ happiness, but I won’t. I’m too far gone. There’s no hope for me and I’m so lost that there’s no way out. All that’s ahead is more pain.” Let me just say, I COMPLETELY understand. If I’m not overstepping, I think we’ve pretty much all had that thought or something similar! Many of us have or are contemplating some form of letting go. I think you know what I mean. But stop! Because you deserve a spot in TOMORROW. Tomorrow feels like another day of pain, but it can also be an opportunity for you to change something! Even the smallest thing. Reach out to someone…even if you don’t have a good current support system. People DO understand. Not everyone, but many do and they can help! Pick up the phone. Make a free appointment. Read online. Do something…anything, but give up!