Hi everyone, this Sunday was going to be a happiness boost post in the ‘Feel-Good Corner’. It’s still going to be, it’s just that writing something feel-good is an extra challenge right now. Maybe that’s even more reason to show happy and adorable pictures though. I gotta practice what I ‘preach’ huh? Unfortunately, I’m human and I’m not ok. And maybe I should just accept that it’s ok if I don’t feel well. I feel depressed, empty and conflicted all at the same time…but I have to move forward and re-configure my day with that ‘Force of Personal Direction’ I mentioned in my last post. It’s one of those times though where my ‘Force’ is telling me to burrow in blankets like Mia and then sleep off this horrible feeling. It is an option, but given that Aaron is going to be working all week and today is our only day alone together… I have to do something else. I HATE ruining our time together by being silent and trapped in my head. He hates it and understandably doesn’t have so much patience right now…I feel like a bad girlfriend when it happens. My emotions are just all over the place and I really need them under control right now.
Something that also kills me (and has for years), is that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I look around at my situation and surroundings and see that I’m so incredibly fortunate. But what is my head telling me? 1. – I don’t deserve the good, and 2. – Everything about me is wrong and messed up. The bad is coming through but the good is bouncing off. I think my main problem is that I think too much. Like…way too much. I kind of feel like I’m drowning in a sea of personal questions, doubts, insecurities, what if’s and just so much more that I can’t even hang on to. It’s a swarm that’s really hard to describe because it includes such a wide variety of topics that strike and hurt me. But before I can work them out and process them they leave me with a bad feeling and return to complicated and intangible abstracts that I can’t get my head around. In other words this is me:
Bad things are threatening to / are making their way through my protective barrier, try as I might to keep them at bay. However my force against force is probably not helping me. I need to let the thoughts reach me and work through a healthy process of sending them to the curb. Easier said than done, considering that I’m scared. I guess my point is just that…even though it feels useless today I need to go through the motions until I feel human again. I’m going to publish this post, finish my coffee and take a long hot shower. Then before Aaron gets up I’ll do my best to address some of the things causing me anxiety: I’ll practice my oral presentation, which is happening TOMORROW and I need to study the extra triggering topic in Psych class that’s going to be on the exam. Last week wasn’t great…I had nightmares and cold-sweats in bed most nights and 3 minutes into my Psych class I shut the lid of my laptop in a panic, unable to continue hearing about…well…you know what I’m saying. Great job, me. Not able to handle a class because I’m getting triggered by EVERYTHING lately! Ok…seriously enough about me. I’m really sorry. I started to share because I hoped I could include an exit strategy from this crappy feeling, but I’m not succeeding am I? Please forgive me…let’s move on. Just know that if you’re having a bad Sunday, we’re in the same boat trying to patch ourselves up for the upcoming week. I don’t know about you, but I feel vulnerable and unprepared.
A Dose Of Dog Happiness
Let’s forget all that and focus on this: I was outside watching Mia and Piko the other day when I took some videos and caught a few incredible shots. Piko really wanted to play chase with Mia and it was completely adorable!
He was literally in mid-jump!
These two incredible doggos don’t have our problems; they’re in the moment and enjoy it to its fullest. I think we have a lot to learn…but in the meantime, I hope these pics bring a smile to your face and spread the happy energy around!
Good luck with the upcoming week, and I’ll be back with some new ideas!
With you in spirit, Karina
I Will Not BE My Mental Illness 