Too Many Feelings

Ever feel like your mood is going down but you’re not sure what direction it’s gonna take from there? Yeah…in fact, I’m there right now. I have too many feelings and it’s draining me! You might be wondering why I’m writing since I’m not in the best headspace. You’re right. I’m not…but writing is just what I do. It’s how I process things. The first part of my journal that is now my book is probably one of the reasons I’m still here. Starve myself…write about it. Can’t get off the bathroom floor at school? Write about it. Try to kill myself? Write about it. You get the idea.

Not a Pity Party!

This isn’t a pity party. (Yuck.) But don’t be afraid of ranting. Especially on a non-judgmental piece of paper. I actually love that about paper and I just discovered that as I typed. Maybe one of the reasons I started writing my feelings and why I enjoy writing so much is because I have no audience! (Or…I intended not to, anyway). It’s MY safe space. Maybe it can become yours too…try it out if you’d like. Having a journal or writing your feeling isn’t an end all be all, (trust me, I should know) but it does provide a certain degree of relief. I find that the more descriptive I am about how I feel or what really bad thing happened, the easier it is for me to breathe again and at least hold it together a little longer. And now from this habit I can jot down personal truths that strike so I can reflect and write about them until they become full-on realizations or discovering issues that must be dealt with!

Back to Today

It sucked! I’m not going to complain too much because today looks delightful in comparison to … well … a lot. But I have a reason for writing this on here instead of in my journal. But first, back to my day. I’ve been getting more tired as school progresses and I can’t believe that we’re in mid-terms. Like…how the bleep did that happen? Tomorrow is October 1st?! Anyway…I’ve been letting things run away from me lately because of my fatigue and lack of motivation which is angering. I feel kind of overwhelmed even though I shouldn’t be. I also have what I’m gonna call ‘hypothetical motivation’ that somehow isn’t translating into the level of productivity I need. My parents and fiancé are encouraging and proud, but I feel like I’m going to mess up because it’s kind of what I do. So I put off studying for tomorrow’s Statistics test and finished psychology and French work instead. Writing in French scares me because I’m so bad at it and Mental Health is time consuming. (Haha. Getting there certainly is too, isn’t it?) By the time I got to studying it was 4 p.m. and I had evidently not remembered anything from the latest chapter especially since I hadn’t practiced. Now I feel guilty, stupid, anxious about tomorrow and among other things, really uncertain of future success in harder classes and then University. Most of all, the resounding thought of; “Have I lost what I used to have? Am I lazy, lax and no longer hard working?” It’s a whole inner monologue that’s been playing for a while. For the last couple of hours I haven’t felt like doing anything which means after dinner I took my nighttime medication and sat in bed. I’ve been irritable, inwardly angry, disappointed in myself, tired and stupidly wondering about throwing in the towel with certain goals since they feel out of reach.

Why is my Day Important for You?

Maybe you’re bored and confused about this useless post. If so, I’m sorry, but I did hope for a take-away. You see I’m sliding into an attitude that I don’t want to be trapped in so I have to / had to make some choices. First off, cramming things and straining myself to re-teach myself so as to understand for tomorrow is just useless. We have a productivity gauge that indicates the level we have left, and mine was indicating empty!

So, choice # 1: STOP. Continuing when nothing is going in, frustration and stress is high, focus is low…it’s not smart. For anybody. But for those of us with mental illness we especially have to guard our often ‘limited resources’ of energy, focus and the like.

# 1 b) Make a solid plan of when and how you’ll finish what you have to do. For me I have to bite the bullet and wait for tomorrow morning when I’ll have more focus and concentration again.

Choice #2 : Noise was aggravating and stressful. There was conversation with the TV on at the same time which made the conversation louder out of compensation. No big deal, but for me it is. I can’t listen to someone with other noise above a certain level and too much ‘auditory stimuli’ makes me anxious quite quickly. Instead of staying uncomfortable, I found a spot I was comfortable in where it was quiet. I didn’t feel less unsuccessful, disappointed in myself and doubtful of my abilities, but I had breathing room.

Choice # 3: Stop making comparisons with myself and others because it just makes me feel worse by always feeling beneath them, behind in life, etc.

Choice # 4: It normally wouldn’t be time for me to go to bed but after asking myself what would do me the most good in this moment, I decided to listen to myself and go to bed early. I also admitted to myself that I needed alone time and that this was perfectly ok to desire and act on. I often need to remind myself that self-care and selfishness are not at all the same, meaning that I should not feel guilty .

I would write more, but my meds are dragging me under. Until next time!