Hi there! Despite some really great things going on in my life, my brain somehow managed to mess things up.
Timeline
Within about two weeks I successfully went through the steps for a consumer proposal. Being deeply in debt (relative to my income), this is my best chance to start fresh, build new habits and regain control. It’s stressful but far better than any of the alternatives. During this proposal process, I had also been looking for a second job – ideally one that is entirely online.
I found a few that I was super interested in and submitted my CV. There was one that particularly interested me which required an English writing test of sorts to be considered for an interview. I found it kind of fun and succeeded at moving on for an interview.
The meeting went super well and I signed a job offer the same day. I’m officially in training – Yay! It’s a writing-based job which suits me perfectly and I’m certain it’ll help me grow those skills.
In other good news, Mia passed her final exam! I know this was in the previous blog but I’m super happy and proud. On top of that, I have an initiative that I really believe in.
The Myth of Fortune:
With all that good news, it must seem ludicrous that I still feel bad. Add the return of self- harm, and you get an ungrateful and pathetic excuse for an adult, right? I’m not supposed to think that way though, because mental illness doesn’tdescriminate; it won’t bypass someone with seven figures in their bank account. Despite knowing this, I still feel crappy for not having a ‘valid’ reason for my pain. Sure my stresses and problems are real, but others have much bigger ones.
Crisis Prevention:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past years, it’s that I’d much rather stop before I hit the wall. That’s why I decided to make arrangements with a crisis centre; to take a much needed break before something worse we’re to happen.
Crisis prevention is a key aspect to preserving mental health in spite of having a mental illness. (KEY NOTE: Mental Health and mental illness CAN coexist!).
I think recognition is one of the most important aspects of crisis prevention. If we aren’t aware of an oncoming storm, how can prepare for it? Would we rather stay out in the open and suffer a great deal of damage, or, take shelter in a bunker? We might still get hurt, but definetly less. We can’t control pain most of the time. What we can do, is minimize it.
My Crisis Identification:
I write this knowing full well that I still waited too long this time. Still, here’s what cues me in during a rougher period. Maybe it can inspire you to identify and take note of your own ‘red flags’.
- Needing significantly more or less sleep.
- Abnormally high motivation and energy. (Ex: I want to clean all night.)
- Increased fatigue and decreased concentration.
- A greater presence of intrusive thoughts. (self-harm, suicidal ideation, etc.)
- Feeling powerful/ invincible/capable
of anything.
- Being late and/or forgetting appointments and obligations.
- Faster and/or more extreme mood fluctuations.
- Increased anxiety and/or panic attacks.
I was feeling pretty much everything on this list during the lead up to this ‘crisis stay cation’. Unfortunately I still waited too long, because I cut myself. It took that relapse, (with an extreme dissociative episode), to call for help. It’s often uncomfortable and scary to seek help, especially of an ‘impatient’ nature. Its very much worth it though, and no where near as intimidating once the proverbial bullet has been bitten.
Being in a crisis centre can give us the chance to de-escalate and avoid full institutionalization. That’s worth everything in my book which is why I enormously appreciate crisis centres.I especially like this one because every staff member is warm, welcoming and non-judgemental. It also has greater patient implication, which goes a long way. Theres usually one if not two group activities per day on various topics.
Ex: Impulsivity, healthy relationships, body expectations,
self-affirmations, fundamental needs, image association/ interpretation, etc.
Then there are our one-on-one session every day to work on specific issues. They give us ‘tools’ that are kind of like homework due for the next session.
Oh and we touch base in the morning after meds to pick tasks (not obligatory), and determine if anyone has an outing. I like having a chore to do. It keeps things closer to real life.
The Bad News
I’ve been at this centre since 9 p.m. on March 23rd. I wish time didn’t go so quickly. Stays are normally between 6 and 14 days with a few exceptions, and knew that going into this. Still, went too fast. I know the world doesn’t stop while you’re in here but I don’t quite feel ready for the full weight of ‘the outside’.
I deliberately didn’t bring my car so I could focus on myself but the funny timing is that I’m in training for my new job. It’s involved and white a fair bit of my time here was spent on it. I’m grateful for the job – seriously, and I 100% need it! The problem is that my
stay is, once again, not as focussed on personal growth as I need it to be. I’ve been working on it, yes. I feel progress, yes. And that’s exactly why I need some more time! I can’t be ready if I’m still hurting myself, even if it’s scratching instead of other things.
So… this news has made me feel like sh*t. I’ll end the blog for now though, and hope that I’ll send another one soon. The next will include some of the things I’ve been working on here but for now I’m too tired to continue.
In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful week.
