Hi there, today I thought I’d write about how strange life can be. Feel free to subsitute ‘strange’ with any of the following: Annoying, inconvenient, inconsistent, frustrating, depressing, etc. I guess this doubles as a list of my personality traits.
(Not) kidding aside, life has impeccable timing. I suppose it’s true that good things can come in a cluster, but I’d like some hardcore evidence please. Why? Because Murphy’s Law is a ‘Law’ rather than a ‘Theory’. This is no accident.
Murphy will shove you till you’re down, keep kicking and then dance on your grave. Do I sound cynical? Fatalistic? Glass half empty? Good. Cause I am. Murphy has turned me into a sarcastic and dark-humoured, menopausal middle-aged man going through an existential crisis. Or maybe, cue the music… “I was born this way”!
Seriously I’m starting to think that I run on anxiety and spite rather than food, water and sleep. Oh and coffee. Coffee is essential.
Today’s Expo: My Trip Down Murphy Lane
Hopefully you’ll find some relatable entertainment value in this, so here goes my list of recent misadventures. At one point you’ll find a trigger warning with a portion you can display only if desired. I don’t want anyone feeling extra vulnerable to read it if they aren’t in the right headspace so feel free to skip that part.
Trying a New Medication
Anyone on psych meds can probably relate to the lovely ‘guinea pig’ testing period with a new medication. Loads of fun, right? So I’ve been having trouble falling asleep because I seem to have gotten used to the Seroquel I take at night. The Concerta I’m on to replace the Biphentin that replaced my Vyvanse – yeah – really works during the day but also makes it harder to sleep.
Anyway, I thought the new Zolpidem might be good but when I took it two nights in a row thinking I’d be more awake for work, it didn’t turn out well. I had bad night sweats, woke up groggy and felt really anxious. One hour into work, I was chilled to the bone with hot flashes, nausea and dizziness. My boss is great and offered for me to work from home. I drank a lot of water and physically felt better, but barely made progress with work. I was overwhelmed by how much I had to do and couldn’t concentrate on the smallest task.
Meeting Jitters
That same evening happened to be our monthly work meeting. I had told my boss that I would be there so even after the bad day, I decided to attend. I don’t have a problem with the meetings themselves, but there are a few things that make me really anxious:
- Eating in front of anyone other than close family still makes me unbelievably uncomfortable. Our meetings start with a meal which is generous of our boss, but super anxiety-inducing for me. (There were 10 other people!)
- My boss has also started doing team-building exercises where we get into assigned groups and read about the next month’s theme and its related specials. That would be fine… if it weren’t for the group presentation afterwards where we summarize our portion of the text and present the products in our category.
Long story short, I was paired with my boss. That’s perfectly fine. What wasn’t so good is that our boss always starts off the presentations – something that dawned on me right before we were about to begin. Thanks, Murphy. You suck.
You’d think this wouldn’t be so bad for me considering that I do the marketing and know about the specials in advance, but still. Between hating oral presentations and having to present in French at I time where I’m getting less practice, I stuttered and sucked. I spent pretty much the whole meeting displaying shades of different tomato varieties and wondering how to sink through the floor. Ever been there? It felt like high school all over again and there’s only one word for that: YUCK!
Tripping on More Than Words
You’d think the public humiliation was over, right? No. We usually put things away after our meetings so I was carrying two foldable chairs down the stairs. With about four steps left, the manager’s dog whipped around the corner and up the middle of the narrow staircase. Thankfully, Mia was behind me. (My Service Dog.)
I managed to avoid her dog but tripped and ended up doing that hair-raising, out-of-control jog down the last steps. You know the one, right? Where you’re angled forwards and your legs are somehow keeping up the involuntary jog but might miss a step at any second? That one, and with a chair in each hand. I yelled out involuntarily, as did a few others since we all assumed I was about to face-plant. I’m grateful that I didn’t, but it was a pretty embarrassing end to an already awkward evening.
Murphy, You Crack Me Up – NOT!
This isn’t a big deal but when you’re tight on money and can’t make an insurance claim because you already had to file one for a fender-bender that wasn’t your fault and that jacked up your premium as a result, it can be. Wow. That sentence is way too long.
Anyway, a rock hit my windshield a little while back and thankfully, it only left a tiny indent; or so I thought. Two weeks later, I noticed a deep 5″ crack moving up from the pock mark. A day later, it had expanded another 5” in a different direction. A few days after that, my genius self was stuck in a car wash having realized too late just how bad of an idea that was. You guessed it, the crack made another artistic expansion complete with direction change. Yup. This probably goes without saying but, windshields are expensive! It’ll have to wait, like the insurance repair I haven’t been able to do either.
Falsely Accused
Last week I was minding my own business in a parking lot hoping to get an order. (I deliver for DoorDash but not very often anymore). Bear in mind that I also happened to be on the phone when this happened.
A person pulls up and starts accusing me of damaging their car the previous Sunday. Apparently someone saw a charcoal Jetta scratch the SUV and drive off. It had happened in another part of the same parking lot I was waiting in. Now I don’t know if this person has been scoping out the ‘crime scene’ every day since for a car matching the alleged description, but there I was at the perfect time.
I explained that it wasn’t and couldn’t be me: For one, I would’ve noticed and stopped. Most importantly, I wasn’t even in the same zip code on Sunday! The person was still disbelieving, bringing up the fact – again – that someone saw a dark grey Jetta. Bonus points: The person thought they’d caught me in a lie when they asked accusingly about the scratch/dent on my front right.
Two things: If you’re hoping to track down the culprit based off the description of a grey VW Jetta, good luck. There are TONS of us. Secondly, and this I pointed out, my damage dates back to April and is none of their concern.
The person drove away with the head-bobble attitude of “I don’t believe you but fine”. Well too bad. And don’t get me wrong; I’d be pissed too if my car was scratched and the person drove off. But I also hope I wouldn’t be lying in wait to throw unfounded accusations in a really disrespectful tone at anyone driving a car described by a stranger.
Icing on the Cake
The things I mentioned above are annoying but also just part of life. Yes I b*tch about them, like a lot of us I think, but it’s ok. The next bit is darker though because I really, really wish my life didn’t include this.
I’ve been having a tougher time these past few weeks, not just with the annoyances mentioned above but due to my ever growing level of anxiety, amount to get done and other ‘unfortunate’ circumstances. I was coping …until I wasn’t. I spiralled badly and ended up doing something I thought I would never let happen again. Naive? Maybe. Anxiety keeps me moving forwards but there’s only so much I can take.
Trigger Warning: Contains sensitive subjects. Click to view.
I fell into a deep pit of depression for a few days. I wanted to hurt myself because old coping mechanism are hard to break. I was sleeping a lot to avoid my head but then it was night time and I felt that my meds weren’t working. My judgement was clouded by pain and without thinking of consequences, I took a lot of sleeping pills. I just wanted to sleep for a long time, but you can see how the gesture can come across differently. Long story short, when a bit of sense returned I made myself throw up. Unfortunately, not enough. So I spent two days in the hospital and a few more waiting for the effects to wear off. Thankfully, I wasn’t committed but I have follow ups, a safety plan and the potential of a crisis centre if it gets too bad and unsafe. I hope that won’t be necessary and I’m trying really hard to get my stuff together.
What Now?
What now indeed. With my recent slip up it’s not like the causes have disappeared and I’m fine to move on like nothing happened. I’m clearly still in the depressive episode and I don’t really know what to do other than wait it out. I feel like life has been throwing too many things my way as of late but it’s no use blaming that. We all get our turn in the storm and what matters is how I’m going to deal with it.
Since I feel a little less depressed while writing this, I can at least mention what I’m trying to do to get back on track. At the same time, hopefully it can be of benefit to you or someone you care about, present or future.
1. A safety plan:
This is always a great way to start when you or someone you care about is going through a difficult time and might be at risk of self-harm or suicide.
It means:
- Distance from items, activities and environments that pose a risk to one’s mental and physical health. (Examples include removing or limiting access to medication and objects used for self-harm as well as less obvious things like access to gambling platforms and contacts who provide illegal drugs, etc.
- Having someone else in charge of dispensing prescribed medication. (If applicable).
- Ensuring that people close the person are aware of the situation and participating in the plan.
- Having a list of emergency contacts: A relative or friend, suicide hotlines, current healthcare providers, other crisis lines, a sponsor, etc.
- A list of activities to distract from negative thoughts and/or actions.
- A backup if the above isn’t enough: A nearby hospital or crisis centre where one can stay in safety.
2. Avoiding stressful or big decisions:
It’s never a good idea to make big or important decisions while experiencing a crisis. It’s also not a good time to do anything that contributes stress. For example, (I’m not sure if I wrote about this in my previous blog), but I had applied to college. I was accepted into my program of choice, Special Education Techniques, which begins this autumn. I was already on the fence about it given my history with school, but also really wanted to do it. I wanted to be in mental healthcare and was excited to learn.
In light of recent events, my heightened anxiety and depressive spiral, I’m more concerned than ever. I still want to but I don’t feel like it’s possible. Isn’t it foolish to think that I can actually succeed? I’m burnt out before I’ve even started and I think I’ll be able to balance 5 courses, a lot of driving time and continue my job? It seems laughable at best. But as my psychologist and crisis worker have been reminding me, now is not the time to think about it or make a decision. I need to give it time and focus on stabilizing myself.
So that’s my advice for this category; things might be grim, but try not to make a decision in the dark. Wait for some of the light to return. You might wonder, “what if the light doesn’t return?”. Honestly, I don’t know. But our health has to be the priority. It’s the foundation without which nothing, and I mean nothing, is possible.
3. Use the ‘STOP’!
This has got to be one of the most useful techniques I learned in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). It’s seems like a small detail and yet it’s incredibly valuable. Prior to my recent lapse of control and judgment, ‘STOP’ was keeping me safe.
What it is:
‘STOP’ is as literal as it sounds. Whatever the situation, whether it be an urge to harm yourself or a conversation-turned-argument, ‘STOP’ is there to avoid negative consequences and prevent escalation. ‘STOP’ might be the most passive yet powerful tool in helping ourselves as well as others. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
How to do it:
If what you’re thinking and planning to act out has the potential for a bad outcome – STOP. Do. Nothing. I’m serious. That’s what ‘STOP’ is. You’re either stopping what you’re doing, or you’re stopping yourself before you do something bad. Ideally the latter. It doesn’t matter so much what you do, but rather what you don’t do. You can literally do nothing. In fact, that’s how I usually use the ‘STOP’ technique when I don’t trust myself. I will literally stop moving and stay put until I’m sure that I’m in control again and my next action won’t be … well … I was going to say stupid in my case but let’s go with counterproductive.
It’s been working really well for me since my last stay in a crisis centre and has prevented episodes of self-harm, actions that would’ve aggravated certain situations, and more. Unfortunately, I broke my own rule of not moving until I’m sure I’m in control. That’s why what happened, happened. If I had ‘STOPPED’, it wouldn’t have happened. It’s not an excuse, but I had actually been using the ‘STOP’ so often recently that I guess my brakes got tired.
Going back to the example of a bad argument, ‘STOP’ is just as useful. If tones are rising and listening to each others’ view has gone out the window, it might be time to ‘STOP’ and walk away. Come back to it another time when everyone concerned has had a chance to cool off. It helps not only you but also the other person or people involved. (Granted it’s not always easy to extricate oneself from a heated argument, but we have to find our ways.)
What it isn’t:
A clear distinction was made in group when learning about ‘STOP’; what the technique doesn’t do. It’s important to remember that we’re preventing bad consequences / limiting the deterioration of a situation / cutting our losses. We are not finding solutions. That’s reserved for when calm has been restored. ‘STOP’ is a stabilizer, not a solution. I think the reason for this is because ‘STOP’ acts as a counter to impulsivity. Therefore finding a good solution in an impulsive episode would probably prove to be counterproductive.
4. Forgiveness
I know this one really applies for me and it might for you as well. If you’ve hit a crisis and perhaps already acted against your better judgement, the following days (or weeks) might contain a lot of guilt and regret. As I’m being advised, the incident happened due to a crisis. The incident itself is a symptom and judging/hating yourself for a symptom has zero productive value. It understandable but unhealthy to add to your existing load of unpleasantness by hanging on to the past. Whether it be your first incident or a relapse when you really thought you wouldn’t get so low again, the most important thing is the present and the future. How can we make things better? How can we prevent it from happening again? (I’m fully aware of how hypocritical I am regarding this point in particular, but it’s still the truth).
5. Emphasize good habits and getting back on track:
I still feel really discouraged and don’t know what to do but thankfully I’m not alone. I don’t have to come up with all the answers alone, or right this minute. I need to do the things that have helped me in the past and try out new things that might turn out better than I think. I can’t change everything at once, (and shouldn’t try to!) but like each one of us, I need to focus on the elements that impact me the most.
I know I need to put less pressure on myself with expectations, like being realistic about what I put on my plate. I need to find a pair of blinders and focus on one specific thing at a time instead of what appears to be an overwhelming mess. I need to make the time to continue the things that help me instead of dismissing them because I’ve allowed my schedule to fill up. I need to give myself permission to relax instead of seeing it as ‘unproductive’ because everyone needs to recharge. (A lot of this has been an ongoing work in progress that clearly hasn’t been resolved…)
I’m pretty tired now and though there’s a lot I could write, I’m going to practice setting a limit by stopping it here. I’d love to hear from you about any comments, suggestions or relatable stories!
Ending With Good News
Before I go, there’s a piece of good news I’d like to share. Do you remember the petition in the House of Commons I created with the help of a lawyer friend? The goal is to better inform people and change the way those of us with Service Dogs for any disability are treated in public places like stores, restaurants, etc. With your help and support, we surpassed the number of signatures required for the petition to be read and decided upon in Parliament. I received an email on May 30 stating that our petition has been presented and a response will be given within 45 days. I’m nervous but can’t wait to share the news with you as soon as I find out! Fingers crossed!
Take care everyone, and have a wonderful weekend!
Here are some links about the petition if this is the first you’re hearing about it:
I Will Not BE My Mental Illness 